This week marks the start of a new year. Like many I have earmarked 2019 as a year of change. I’ve looked inward and pondered what might be, chosen how I want life to be and taken steps to make it happen.
Recently however, the universe has been sending me some strong messages to step back from too much control and to surrender and let the universe take care of things. I’ve been offered solutions to problems that have arisen but some seemed too risky for me to let things work out without me. It’s not always easy to resist being human.
One of my current lessons is around scarcity - having trouble believing that what I need will be delivered if I just let go of some of the control and let the universe find a way to deliver it. Instead, a belief has creeped in centred around the idea that I’d better take what I can now because there won’t be anything better in the future. I’d thought I was further along in trusting both my own intuition and the universe’s ability to deliver but as what can happen when an unfamiliar and challenging situation arises, it’s easy to revert to former patterns.
I’ve written before that I'm making big changes to my life in 2019 by packing my possessions into storage, letting go of my apartment and spending most of 2019 overseas. I’d decided to trust my intuition more to lead me to being more self-reliant, to be brave enough to try living in another country for a while and to accept that all will work out as it should with whatever I need. That has been the goal and whilst still in my own country with familiarity as my friend, all was good.
Enter my human self - fear, expectation, change and unfamiliarity - surfaced! After a busy time travelling in Europe with family and friends over Christmas, I had planned a quiet 10 days in Italy to explore my options for a place to settle for several months in 2019 that felt intuitively right to me. In reality, I found myself settling for less than felt right, ignoring signs being given to me both from my own intuition and the universe. In my accommodation search I began accepting the easiest option rather than trusting the best option would arise.
The first place I booked was done in a hurry, convinced as I was that I would not find anything else. The owner subsequently put up the price substantially just a short while before I was due to arrive with the option to cancel the booking. I worried about availability and my issue with scarcity arose again. I accepted it because it was the easiest option but I knew in my heart that this was ‘an out’ the universe was giving me. I arrived and from the first moment I knew this place was not right – the energy was deadening, it was cold in the extreme and very isolated. I gathered my internal fortitude and left.
This scenario propelled me into a head space where ‘scarcity’ again arose and so to quell my fear I accepted another place, using my head and not my intuition as my guide. It fulfilled my desire for a space with modern amenities but it also went against a number of my selection criteria – it wasn’t in the mountains, not in my preferred location, it wasn’t near a village or town but it was available and that was all that mattered to me in my ‘scarcity’ mindset. When I arrived, I tried to convince myself that it didn’t matter, that the beautiful space with the wonderful energy was enough. It is on some levels but it is isolated, I miss the mountains and I find all the driving its location entails, tiresome.
It would be easy for me to indulge in heavy self-judgment but that isn’t helpful either. Now I’ve moved to acceptance. The postscript to this is that now I’m settled in one place and not moving around so much I'm finding myself returning to a place of peace within. Where I end up will come into my life, that I know.
We are all human and I’m looking at lessons from the experience as a positive. I am in reality in one of the most beautiful countries on earth and I remind myself that wherever I am is a blessing. It’s easier to come to wise conclusions in hindsight but in reality everything has actually worked out to help me learn the lessons I need to learn. All experiences have opportunities for growth, that opening to acceptance gives opportunities to practice patience and gratitude.
I believe that what I need is available to me and that my intuition is what I need to follow to allow the universe to provide it.